When The Bad Days Sneak Up On You

Xyrem has literally changed my life for the better. I am functional more times than not, and I’ve truly done a 180 degree over the last year. 

The bad days still happen and sometimes, they can happen unexpectedly. 

With financial stress building due to a series of more expensive purchases and an unexpected disappointment in the savings department; C and I are looking at a way to make it to the end of the month. We will make it, but it is extremely tight. 

I am working through the summer break, but my hours are very, very casual. I will be getting a raise next month, but my hours will still be quite casual. C has applied for work in his field and waiting to hear back is always the hardest part. 

So stress and anxiety have been quite the guests during this week. I’ve woken up from nights with seemingly non-stop nightmares; drenched in sweat and shaking. I’ve woken up to the dog whining because he drank all his water and hasn’t been feeling good during most of the week. 

I’ve been looking at the piles of dishes and clothes needing to be cleaned with exhaustion and panic, but managed to sweep the kitchen and wash the toilet because that’s all I can do. 

Finnigan is feeling better and I’ve gotten through a few loads of washing, but I’m still exhausted despite the naps I’ve taken every day this week.

I manage to guilt myself everytime I rest; by allowing myself to rest physically while provoking anxiety. I can sit for a while if I look for jobs because I need the income and I’m broke and how can I be so stupid as to go on a trip that was needed and deserved. I’m not very helpful to myself. 

C announced that because it was such a nice day out, we should go out and do something. Having woken up at 7:30am to the dog barking to be taken out for a walk after a night of constant nightmares, a week of stress, and the end of the month really giving us a run for our money, and the fact that I’ve been having diarrhoea all morning; I wasn’t feeling the enthusiasm. I dutifully checked out our town’s events because otherwise, were not doing much: nothing happening. Okay, we’ll go for a walk! 

We decide to take a shower first because we both smell like billy goats. I start to cry. C can tell that something is wrong and knows that I am not feeling anything today. I wailed and sobbed while apologizing profusely. 

C took me into his arms and held me tight. We talked about what was bothering me and whether or not it would be best for me to rest up. I was stubbornly refusing while he tried to convince me it way okay. 

In the end, we showered and got into bed. C reassured me that he wasn’t going anywhere and that he understands that some days are still tough for me. He made sure that I’d taken my meds, had gotten some food in me, and that I was warm before he kissed me on the forehead. 

Sometimes, the bad days are still bad, but with the love and support of my family things will be okay.